Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
You Might Also Like
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.