Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
You Might Also Like
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers