Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My teenage children choosing violence
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.