I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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#CoronaOutbreak
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
finally found a reasonable question
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you