Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.