What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
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Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….