My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
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Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
be careful
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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