The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.