Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
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Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.