‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Become ungovernable.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*