I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Breaking news:
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said