Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
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Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.