her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.