Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
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Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Morning my dudes.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
🛁
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
So, can we agree on 4 or
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken