It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
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Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.