hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.