Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”