The devil.
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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
screw you
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Just a phase…
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.