Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
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Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
the icebreaker
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees