Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.