The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
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3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
just gave your address to some spiders
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
tis the season
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.