Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
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me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
this isn’t threatening at all
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST