I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
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What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld