My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
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The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Love this guy
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.