“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
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Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Finally, a door that understands me
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener