3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
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me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.