I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
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I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
never forget
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.