<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
You Might Also Like
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less