It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
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4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me