4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.