ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I was bored.
Bringing home a sharpie
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon