Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
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Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Roses are red, you always mattered,
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price