An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Not all heroes wear capes…
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.