ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.