gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Ken is short for chicken
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Worst Native American name ever.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep