Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀