I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
all bases covered
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell