so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
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Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
house sitting!
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo