I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
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Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Name this drama.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.