Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
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I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.