You Might Also Like
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.