If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.