If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
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do what now??
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?