Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
The French word for sex is croissant.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN