WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what