Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
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Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.