We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
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My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Hard not to take this personally