Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious