The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not