Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Love it! 👍😂
We need to put an American base on the sun
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.